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Love. Marriage. Baby, right?

First comes Love. Then comes Marriage. Then comes a Baby in a baby carriage, right? Wrong! (well not always). It was January 2017; five months after our wedding date, August 13, 2016 that my husband and I found out we were expecting our baby. I must say this baby was planned because we didn’t go on our honeymoon to Hawaii until October that same year and I wanted to thoroughly enjoy Hawaii, so I didn’t end my birth control until we returned. Wow! Pregnancy test taken and we’re pregnant, YAY!!! We were so excited we started telling family around the 6-7 week mark after seeing and hearing our little embryo’s heartbeat - but little did we know by week 9 I would be miscarrying our little fetus. We had just visited Babies ‘R Us that Sunday evening in March and Monday morning I noticed blood when I went to the restroom.

When I got to work, I noticed more blood that I knew was more than “spotting”, so I called my doctor’s office. They called me back and after a few questions and me persisting that this was NOT spotting, I was told to come into the office. I texted my husband what was going on and although he wanted to meet me at the office, I advised him I was okay and would keep him informed. As a woman, I kind of knew in my gut what was going on but I don’t think I had ever felt such pain and hurt as when the technician found my embryo and there was no movement and heart beating as it was a few weeks earlier. Her excitement wasn’t there as it was three weeks earlier and she walked me to a room where my doctor came in and gave the devastating news that there was in fact no heartbeat and I had lost my baby. As I walked out of the office feeling defeated as I have never felt before, the real hurt was telling my husband and family members. I played softball as a young girl and losing a game didn’t hurt this bad. I worked in corporate America for almost 20 years and never felt this type of rejection. All I could think was HOW and WHY GOD?!?! I was a good Christian; not perfect but I was a good, faithful Christian.

When my husband got home, he was silent, and I knew he needed time to himself. While I stayed in a room crying, I got myself together as a woman to be there for him and found him sitting in an iron chair in the garage doing nothing but staring into space. When he saw me, he came in and as always was the best comforter I have ever had. The next man I had to tell that took it extremely hard was my Dad. He was returning from a business trip and called me to chat. In the midst of our conversation he asked how “we” were doing. I paused and couldn’t bring myself to tell him the news as I knew he was asking about me and our unborn baby and began to weep as I handed the telephone to my husband. I could hear him through the phone asking my husband what was going on and then I heard a loud “WHAT??!!!” and sobbed even more. They got off of the phone and when I called my Mom later to ask how he was doing, she said not good as when he got home, he fell into the house after opening the door, crying. These important men in my life were the most emotional, in their own ways and I felt everyone’s hurt including my own.

I had my dilation & curettage (D&C) procedure the following day and also cancelled my appointment with my high-risk doctor which was supposed to be that week. Yep, I was considered high risk for a few reasons – age, weight and I had previous occurrences with blood clots in 2012. Oh yeah, this didn’t cross my mind until seeing my OBGYN that blood clots would occur again, and her office scheduled me for my first appointment but wasn’t until three weeks later. Oh boy! If I knew now what I knew then, could I have saved my baby then? Only God knows! I had DVT (deep vein thrombosis) and PE (pulmonary embolism). Unfortunately, at the time this was due to a wrong dosage of birth control that was given and too strong for my body. Also, blood clots run on the paternal side of my family (we will discuss this in later blog posts). At my doctor visit in 2017 after learning I was pregnant is when my OBGYN told me that I would have to get on blood thinners again and would be high-risk anytime my estrogen levels were affected.

So, then the guilt started to sit in of why I didn’t insist on getting an appointment sooner for the high-risk doctor??? The D&C the following morning was again emotionally and physically hurting but I was ready to get it over with because the physical pain of losing that baby inside of me started to sit in and waiting to hear my name called in the waiting room was beginning to be excruciating for someone that had never felt pain such as this. This was a time that those family members who knew what was going on and loved me reached out and a simple text to say “I or We love you” meant the world to me. My husband stayed by my side the full time and was there when I woke up from recovery. The emotions set in again and I began weeping when I saw him and knew it was over.

Our baby and happiness were gone. But we had each other and family that truly cared about us and helped us weather this storm with God, prayer and strength.

Stay Prayed Up!

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