It’s been three weeks since I was awakened to Baby Christian ready to make his arrival.
Oh! The joy that fills my heart to finally say that is the same joy I have from sunup to sundown when I look, kiss, hug and smell on this beautiful baby boy. Kellen J. Christian, Jr. is here, healthy and everything we prayed for. Some of the things I hadn’t fully thought about was the fact that not only were we bringing a baby into this world during a pandemic but also the possibility of postpartum depression mixed in with it. When we arrived at the hospital after my water broke and then learning that I would have to have an emergency caesarean section because Kellen Jr.’s heart rate was dipping each time I had a contraction, I instantly thought okay, whatever we need to do to make sure the baby is healthy and fine.
Although I didn’t want or imagine a caesarean, that’s how it happened. If you’ve ever heard someone say that is the easy way for delivery or question if you had a “natural” birth – let me tell you 1) there is no easy way for delivery and 2) all births are natural. I’m not sure where these ideas or thoughts came from but for someone that was given general anesthesia during my delivery and once I was awakened, my husband showed me pictures and said the baby was doing good and let me add, I didn’t get to finally meet my miracle until six hours later. When he was finally brought into our room, there was so much joy deep down in me that I instantly began crying and thought “this is my child.” We stayed in the hospital for three days and by this time, I was fully over hospitals and just wanted my family and I to go home. What I didn’t expect were nurses coming in and having to look at my incision, teaching me to only use my upper body strength and my legs more to get up and down, making sure I could walk, etc. This incision that will forever be a permanent mark of the miracle that was brought into this world was painful and what I thought would be a “have your baby, go home and get back to your happy life” didn’t turn out that way.
By Thursday, I was crying, uncontrollably and wasn’t 100% sure where my sorrow was coming from. Actually, a lot of thoughts went through my head as I sat in the hospital, especially when me and the baby’s new routine of being awake from 1AM – 5AM each night and me feeding, burping and playing with him until he decided to drift off to sleep. I had every thought in my head - from God has blessed us to have a beautiful, healthy baby boy to my mother not being present when I gave birth to also my family not being able to see this beautiful blessing when we finally got home; as well as being alone when I wanted my mother there and of course the physical pain I was feeling when trying to care for my baby. As much as I tried not to think of what some would call the negatives and focus on this baby, it was hard. I had to think before moving and was dealing with more swelling now. As a woman, I still moved and didn’t let much stop me because that’s what we do. We deal with the mental, physical, and emotional pains and keep moving along in life.
When I got home, the crying didn’t stop and although I wanted to be safe during this pandemic but I also wanted my mother, my husband eventually had to call her over to help us because I’m sure it was hard for him to have a crying wife and newborn baby all by himself. I needed my mother more than I probably ever needed her before and was happy she came to stay with us a few days. It hit me that I was dealing with postpartum depression, something I definitely didn’t plan on dealing with because I had never felt that way for days at a time. When I wanted to hop up and check on Kellen Jr., I couldn’t always do that and when others said I’ll do it, I would cry thinking this is how my post-delivery will be for 6-8 weeks. I stopped crying as much over the next few days and was so glad my mom was there to help us all out. It wasn’t the easiest and I know it won’t be the easiest because I’m use to cleaning and doing things around the house and unfortunately, while I started to do a few things, the pain reminded me that I can’t do all I would like to do. One thing is for sure – Kellen Jr. is here and what I love to do more than anything now is cuddle him and kiss on him…even at 2AM. He’s here and I am overjoyed God heard our prayers. He is healthy and the most precious baby in the world.