What did I sign up for? Is what I often ask myself. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so earnestly
for something and once received went back to God and had to ask Him so what do I do now? Sometimes I wonder if God is laughing at me or with me.
If you know my story leading up to me entering motherhood, then you know it was a journey. But what I thought was the journey then had nothing on the ride of my life as a mother. I read a few books and even googled a few things before becoming a mother, but I must admit I thought I had this motherhood thing in a bag…with a bow on it. I’ve been around babies and even babysat a few but there is nothing, I mean absolutely nothing like having your own that you look after and are responsible for every single day. After my son was born, I dealt with postpartum depression which was the third thing I wasn’t expecting since childbirth. The first two were having an emergency c-section completely sedated and then not being able to see my son for six hours after his birth and waking up feeling like a life had been taken from me. Well, it had been, literally. I had been cut open and my six-pound baby was removed from my body.
Fast forward to almost two years later and this road has been fun, sad, tiring, motivating, depressing, strengthening and full of love. Whoever said ‘motherhood is hard but it’s rewarding’ knew exactly what they were talking about. I’ve laughed at myself and with God thinking uh yeah…about that prayer, now let’s pray and work on how I’m supposed to successfully do this. As much as Google and YouTube videos helped me through a lot of situations over the past two years, I’ve learned there is no perfect way to raise a baby and there is no perfect mother. Often, I was ashamed to tell people when I was tired, depressed and felt I couldn’t make it through the day because I didn’t want to seem weak or complaining about the gift, I so earnestly prayed for but in fact I learned every mother cries; every mother questions herself, every mother pushes herself to keep going, every mother feels alone and every mother feels she’s the only one on this bumpy road of motherhood. If you’re one of those moms reading this right now, know that you are not alone and that it’s okay to have all the above feelings.
I’ve learned that once you learn something or get something right with motherhood, there’s another hurdle for you to get over. I’ve learned that every few months there is something new from sleeping to eating to crawling to walking to weening from a bottle, pacifier and even a sippy cup. I’ve learned the tantrums suddenly come and that’s when you really start to ask yourself what did I sign up for? That’s when you really laugh with God and say okay what’s going on here? I’ve learned that depression still comes in waves and as a woman probably will for a while. I’ve learned to not forget about myself and that prayer, meditating and having a tribe of women around me is essential. I’ve also learned and can see in my precious son that God has given me the most perfect little friend to raise; laugh with, smile at, relax with, and have small conversations with. Kellen Jr. is someone I prayed for and as much as my new friend makes me cringe at times, he also gives me the sweetest replies and most beautiful smiles.
When I ask what the heck am I doing? God says, ‘you’re doing fine.’ When my back aches and migraines set in, God gives me strength to make it through another moment and day. When I feel I am always last, God says ‘you are always first in my sight and the last shall be first.’ When I’m crying and confused, God says ‘you’ve got this’ and dries my tears. When I worry if I’m made for this, God says, ‘I built you in my image’ and reminds me I am strong. When I feel I have no more fight in me, God holds me up one more day. When I feel I’ve failed, God reminds me ‘He did not give me a spirit of fear.’ I’m learning each day that God is my all and with Him I may not have it all together all the time, but I have all I need to make it through each day of this wonderful thing called motherhood.
Thank you, God, for choosing me.